Death to Life
Death has been a primary subject on this blog for me once i began it back in 2005. Death has been a life theme for almost all of my life, even before i became consciously aware. My dad had cancer discovered when he was in the army at 18. He actually met my mom as she was his nurse- talk about a made for tv movie there!!! He had various operations on and off to remove the cancer as it spread different places in his body. he and my mom chose not to tell me or my younger sister of the cancer or his possibility of dying. I am sure an undercurrent of fear and tension pulsed beneath the surface, although life as i recall was fairly normal and regular middle-class american. I just share this as a backdrop as death has been in the forefront for me lately, as i have seen friends die of heart disease or run across it almost everywhere i look.
I don't know whats harder, having a fear or having an awareness olf having a fear in spite of knowing/believing deep down the fear should not be there. Crazy eh?? I came out of the womb a sensitive soul i think, my inclination being one that lent itself to worry,fear and anxiety. Tjios showed itself as life carried on in natural responses i had to things that occurred. My sister was the fearless one, i held back and was reluctant to seek adventure and the unknown. I even showed this tendency with food. Until i was 18 i never hardly ate mexican or chinese food. I stayed basically with meat and potatoes with italian as exception because i had an italian uncle and anytime we ate dinner there pasta was the main dish.
I write this as a way to express the inner thoughts going on and get them out on computer. Fear of death grips me at times and just squeezes likme a tourniquet, thoughts of my heart stopping flashing inside my mind making ripples of anxiety flow along. I have had these battles a long time and really find it hard what to do. I tend to be stil land wait them out. I do not want the embarrassment of displaying my struggle outwardly, especially when they usually pas on and amount to nothing but my own imagination. What if it was real though?? That is a thought that plagues me often.
The reason again death has been so prevalent in my mind is realizing Jesus calls us to die. Die to sin of course but die nonetheless. Crucified with Christ as paul states it. The more i pray to have this as my reality i practice, the more death looms in my mind. I hope God understands my fragileness with this, even now at 51. My inner critic who has always been there bashing me for my lack of , whatever it is i lack, never seems to go away. Love and grace, toward myself, are like a mirage that Ai long for but end up realizing are not really there. As the king in King and i said, is a puzzlement. Rationally and theologically i know better. Emotionally and experientially, still have the fear and panic inside of lacking, failing,unable to be and do what is required. I know others struggle as well, even others who have been believers a long time. Just gets so wearisome at times. So, i write it out and pray with hope and faith, small as it may be, ican live another day and somehow grow and be used beyond my ability to even understand. Because He lives, so can I.